They Are the Lizard Queens: An Interview with Phemisaurus and Dr. Horrendous|
Published in Rain and Thunder: A Radical Feminist Journal of Discussion and Activism
Winter Solstice 2008, Issue #41
R&T Editor's note: Radical feminist humor is alive and well in the world. The blogosphere offers up such humor in the shape of "They Thought We Were Extinct," a blog that showcases unabashedly radical cartoons featuring feminist dinosaurs that challenge the patriarchy with clever wit and creative vengeance. Read on for an exclusive
Rain and Thunder interview by Samantha Berg.
Like most other 12-year-olds I’ve, pre-teen me was spellbound by dinosaurs.
The very notion of dinosaurs once existing, then not existing anymore, is radical stuff to a child. A part of me used to believe in dinosaurs like I believed in their mythical cousins the dragons, but bones burst the fairytale bubble with scientific proof these dragons once laired on Earth.
I thought they were extinct. Everybody did, references to crocs and gators notwithstanding. Modern science has once again unearthed the buried relics of a long forgotten past. Two years ago while on an internet excavation I discovered an enclave of dinosaur species unique to paleontology in that they were only made of one bone, the funny bone, surrounded by enormous amounts of living flesh.
In the interests of radical science, I braved their cave unperturbed by the warning they considerately posted:
“Don't be fooled by our humorous antics
Creatures of the night we are
We feed off stupidity, denial and willful ignorance
We will spare no one.”
Having made the acquaintance of phemisaurus terribilis and radceratops horrendous, I asked Phemi and Dr. Horrendous if they would sit down for an interview so Rain and Thunder readers could get a glimpse into their post-patriarchal internet playground, the blog “They Thought We Were Extinct.”
Sam: As the title of your blog references, dinosaurs have been thought extinct since the rise of fur-positive animals. How have you managed to survive in the hostile environment to which so many others succumbed?
Phemi: So what do you mean 'hostile' and 'survive'? Look, when you're at the top of the food chain you don't worry about stuff like that.
It's the diet. Men are a staple food of our diet. They're so full of goodness and all the nutrients (stupidity, denial, willful ignorance) that a Phemisaurus Terribilis needs. However, some of us started playing with the food. Okay, so you play with your food, not so bad. Like you could be bored, it could be undercooked or something. Anyway, it wasn't like a really big deal but then the playing with the food turned into befriending the food and even - dare I say - making kissy kissy. Woah! That's just unnatural.
Radceratops might give a different answer, cause you know there's lots of different theories about this supposed 'extinct' thing.
Dr, Horrendous: Many of us, including myself, discovered an Earthly band of feminist activism rich in the mineral, Female-Powerchlorate. This is a rare mineral, which is invisible, tasteless, and often difficult to locate, especially when your senses are clouded with adaptive preferences and some forms of Stockholm Syndrome. Its direct antagonizer, Male-Sodiumessence, which is of course the acceptance and celebration of prostitution and pornography, impairs the ability for many females to recognize the true agenda.
Enough exposure to Female-Powerchlorate causes Male-Sodiumessence to attenuate, as the female mineral is by far the strongest. This of course was recognised by males many moons ago and they set about to control the female essence by prostitution, pornography, and other barbaric practices like nuclear families.
Sorry the doctor digresses; this is due to not fearing taking up space as so many female humans do.
In short, I believe we have survived mainly due to three reasons.
a) a strong internal framework of Dino-self worth.
b) a hefty daily dose of Female-Powerchlorate
c) our diet of crunchy man morsels
Sam: So you're man-eaters, then? Few people are comfortable accepting the man-eating ways of dinosaurs like yourselves. As you know, the man-eating nature of dinosaurs is often expressed with negative terms like "dino-nazi," and worse.
Phemi: That is a direct attempt by the patriarchy to sabotage any female gathering, as historically we know that they expend a disproportionate amount of man energy endeavoring to interrupt females trying to communicate with each other. One time, some of them crunchy man morsels were all like 'don't call us "food"' but that was just political correctness gone mad.
Sam: If it is invisible and undetectable by taste, how can the Female-Powerchlorate minerals be mined for greater population dispersal? That sounds like a tough row to hoe.
Dr. Horrendous: Feminist theories found in the writings of fine feminists, including your good self, are rich in the mineral Female-Powerchlorate. Hopefully this leads to ‘activism’ which has the effect of intensifying the properties of the mineral. Before you know it, “Hey Dino, you don’t have a colonized mind any more!”
Sam: How’s the blogging gig been going? Have you experienced any of the notorious anti-lizard aggravations commonly encountered by bloggers?
Dr. Horrendous: Nope, don’t allow any anti-lizards. We eat trespassers foolish enough to disbelieve that we feed off stupidity, denial and willful ignorance.
Sam: You (Phemi) call yourself “The masked avenger of the feminist blogosphere.” What are you avenging, and why must a dinosaur don a mask to go about her terribilis business?
Phemi: Masked yes, and don't forget the cape. Why, Phemi is avenging stuff like truth and justice. What else do masked avengers do? The day to day mundane activities are more like 'hey, you just said something stupid, cut it out, wakey wakey.' The mask? Phemi's daytime activities would just cramp her style if they were known. Who wants to be rescued by a civil engineer or filing clerk or chef?
Sam: What does the term “postmodernism” mean to beings that have witnessed 65 million years of history happen before their scale-laden eyes?
Dr. Horrendous: I think it needs to be “postpatriarchyism” to tell you the truth. Never mind about this pomo third wave men’s movement stuff. Isn’t that the Michael Foucault wotsit thingy? I’m sure we had him for lunch the other week. Do you remember, Phemi?
This reminds me, Phemi makes exceedingly delicious patriarchal pickle, which we use as a relish with our man morsels. In addition, it makes the over twenty-five’s much more palatable, when as we know they start to deteriorate and “let themselves go.”
Sam: Would you characterize the rise of fur-positive animals as a product of evolution or devolution, or is it too complicated to determine a clear movement direction?
Dr. Horrendous: The phenomena of “fur-positivism” is, I believe, a product of involution, which is not used here in the regular understanding but from a new perspective of “maintaining the status quo.” Men are such basic and psychologically jammed creatures that the only way they can function is to arrest change, stifle dissent and wade through testosterone treacle.
Sam: Are you by any chance on friendly terms with Nessie, the Loch Ness monster?
Dr. Horrendous: Of course. I popped up to Loch Ness only last week and our Nessie is fine. She’s a radical feminist but alas terribly shy - says she prefers ‘courting controversy’, so I said, “Well in all honesty Nessie us radical dinos on the forefront of…” oh never mind.
Not being a keen swimmer, I restrict myself to a picnic on the banks, chatting with Nessie and nibbling on man-skewered satay. Phemi, you really need to make some more of that scrumptious patriarchal pickle relish.
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Published on: 2009-01-27 (3084 reads)[ Go Back ]